Every month, we will share with you stories of women who have escaped abuse. All stories are recorded anonymously. The title you see is a combination of the woman’s favourite colour and dessert.
While abuse can exist in all forms in an average Pakistani household, the most efficient technique at dismantling the core of the women’s being is interior colonization. Constant ripples are sent towards the woman’s self-concept, which begin to turn its foundation to dust. The woman can find a way to remain steadfast until she begins to identify with the shattered reflection of herself she is made to see. Once that image is internalized, the woman now unconsciously begins to give her consent to the oppressors. That validates an entire culture of female subjugation. But, once in a while, one of these crushed and withered women gathers the courage to rise above the rest and see through the illusion of weakness that starts to surround her. One such woman has shared her story with us, in which she has talked about her abusive in-laws, what they tried to turn her into and how she proved herself otherwise.
“I married my first cousin when I was 19. Everything felt so perfect in the beginning but once the honeymoon phase was over, things started to change. Though I was never physically abused, I was mentally tortured, verbally and emotionally abused.
My in-laws used to intimidate me. I was treated like a maid all day long. They wanted power and control over me and wanted me to be a meek and submissive daughter in law, which I tried hard to be but failed miserably because no matter what I did, they were never happy. They put all kinds of restrictions on me. I had to ask for their permission before doing anything from taking shower, to visiting my parents or lending my books to friends, etc. I used to get no money from my husband or in-laws. I was told to ask for money when I needed it. When I wanted to resume my studies, my in-laws and husband did not allow. I used to read books a lot, paint and sketch (in whatever little time I could find for myself), but they didn’t like that either so I had to give it all up.
They would put me down, making me feel bad about myself (by telling me how people asked my mother in law what she saw in me, that they could find a way better girl for their ‘heeray jaisa’ beta.) They used to call me names. My sister in law loved to poke fun at me by calling me a retard and that I needed to be in a mental hospital. They would humiliate me, criticize me for no reason, blame me all the time and make me feel guilty by holding me responsible for everything that went wrong. They used to control where I go and what I do. They even kept a check on who I talk to, by checking my call records and messages. My younger brothers in law and sisters in law would literally spy on me all the time. They overheard my conversations, read my personal diary, and tracked my online activity. My bedroom was occupied by them all the time, sometimes I had to go sleep in the TV lounge because they were playing on play station in my room. They made me give up all my hobbies, friends, dreams, everything.
My husband denied that I was being abused. He never took my concerns seriously and always blamed me for my miserable life. All of this made me so depressed and miserable that I would burst into tears every night and cry myself to sleep. I tried to kill myself twice not being able to bear the pain my in-laws were making me go through. I was losing my mind and I was convinced that I needed to see a psychiatrist. I had all the reasons to be apprehensive of the future, I was sure to end up being a not-so-educated, hopeless, useless, good-for-nothing mother.
Finally, after 2.8 years of abuse, I left my husband’s house and moved to my parents. Luckily, my parents supported me at every step, but I had to struggle to convince my family and relatives why I wanted divorce (they wanted reconciliation)….eventually, I filed for ‘Khula’ and parted my ways from him forever. Now I have resumed my studies and I’m living my life the way I want, instead of being controlled by others. I’m proud that I didn’t silently suffer and decided to take control of my life.
Chayn is a truly laudable attempt to reach out to those who are looking for some ‘chayn’. I believe if I had had access to Chayn back some 4-5 years ago, I would have dealt with my life with more prudence. I made some really hasty decisions because I didn’t have someone to help me prepare to step out of the abusive relationship(s) I was in. Though I did not have barriers to seeking help, I still held back because of lack of support since there was practically no support available for me online. Why? Because none of the countless websites was specifically tailored for Pakistani culture. So Chayn would have been of great help in the darkest hours of my life. No wonder Chayn gives me a commendable sense of purpose; to help others find peace (chayn) like I found it.”
One of the biggest lies that the abused women start to believe is that in the battle that has initiated within themselves, they are all alone. We want them to see that by joining the hands of others who have put up with more or less similar situations in their lives and others who are willing to help, they can overthrow the monarchy that has turned them into slaves. Because, in reality, those who appear to be sitting on thrones are actually drowning in the well of their own cowardice and empty threats.
To comply with the order of a man with dignity can use tracking tools, it will help him to identify fraud. catch a cheating spouse has always been a matter of strong vanym husband.
