If you’re feeling hurt, depressed and like your romantic partner, husband, family and/or in-laws are treating you badly – you’ve come to the right page. We’re here for you. ♥️
Domestic abuse can happen to anyone. Your age, education, social class, and gender does not matter. It can happen to anyone and it’s not your fault. Domestic or intimate partner abuse is not limited to physical abuse only; it can also be verbal, emotional, psychological, financial and sexual. Because it can take so many different forms, it can be difficult to spot that what you are experiencing is abuse. You might be thinking, ‘is my husband screaming at me just anger or is it abuse?’ These questions are hard to answer.
These behavioural patterns can hurt and endanger you. Your emotions, and possible confusion about what is happening to you, are completely understandable and unfortunately, many others suffer the same confusion and emotional distress as you do.
A study by the United Nations found that 50% of married women have experienced sexual violence and 90% have been psychologically abused. Other studies have found up to 70% percent of women in Pakistan face domestic abuse. That is every third woman you meet. Imagine that. But this does not make it okay. No religion or culture supports ‘zulm’ and this is exactly that.
On this page, you will find information that will help you to find out more about what you are experiencing and see what the next steps to improve your situation can look like.
Marriage and romantic relationships are a union to care for and respect each other and should never be used to intimidate, threaten and to inflict physical or psychological harm.
Even though abuse can take many forms, there are certain patterns of behaviour that abusive people use. Here we have a collection of questions for you to go through. They will help you to identify the negative effects and patterns of abuse that you are experiencing.
You do NOT have to tick all the boxes, ticking a couple will already tell you that your relationship is unhealthy and hurting you in ways that are deeply harmful to your wellbeing, your sense of self-worth and that may take away your freedom to live your life.
Do you…?
- feel afraid of your romantic partner?
- avoid doing certain or talking about certain topics because you are afraid of making your husband angry?
- feel that you can’t do anything right and meet the standards your husband or in-laws have set?
- believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated and abused?
- think that you’re the one who must be at fault all the time?
- feel helpless or emotionally numb?
- cry most days and nights?
Does your boyfriend/husband/in-laws…?
- humiliate you by calling you names or scream at you?
- criticize you constantly and make you feel down?
- treat you so badly that you feel ashamed to talk about it to your family or friends?
- Ignore and belittle you for having opinions and put down your accomplishments (studies, work etc)?
- blame you for making him act abusive towards you? e.g. ‘You provoked me!’
- treat you as his property or sex object, rather than as an individual?
- act excessively jealous and possessive even if you are talking to a male cousin or friend?
- control where you go and what you do?
- tell you to ask permission before leaving the house?
- ask your mother-in-law to tell him if you call someone or try to leave the house?
- keep you from seeing your friends or family?
- force you to close down you Facebook account/Instagram or delete friends from it?
- take over your phone and read your messages?
- limit your access to money, phone, or car?
- demand to know all your passwords for all email accounts?
- ask you to close your bank account?
- force you to leave your job?
- force you to discontinue your education?
- curse you?
- force you to have sex instead of asking you whether you want to have sex?
- make frequent, harassing phone calls to you?
- threaten that he will commit suicide if you leave? Your in-laws may be hinting you the same thing?
- threaten you to do as he says or he will take your children away or harm them?
- threaten you to do as he says or he will harm your family and friends?
- hurt you, or say he will hurt or kill you? Slaps you? Kicks you? Pulls your hair? Pushes you?
- have an unpredictable temper that scares you?
Ye meray saath kyun ho raha hay? Kya mein unka rawaiya badal sakti hoon?
No one deserves to live through this pain. God, destiny or culture do not put you into an abusive relationship; families and husbands do. It can be said that it’s a combination of factors such as attitudes towards gender and gender roles in society (‘khuda nay aurat ko mamta ka zarf diya hay’, ‘aurat ka sab say bara gehna izzat hay’), the personality of the abuser, circumstances of the woman and the response of the ‘moashara’ (community) to domestic abuse. We do know, however, that domestic abuse happens because of the desire of the abuser (whether it is your parents, husband, sibling or in-laws) to exert control and power over you.
It may feel comforting to think that your abuser might have mental health challenges or that their ‘ghussa is out of control’ but many studies have shown that this is not the case. In most cases, abusers are not out of control. If they were truly incapable of controlling themselves or their ‘ghussa’, most abusers would not choose to hit women in places where other people cannot see them. They also wouldn’t try to maintain a good and normal relationship with your family or their family, so no one believes you when you tell them how he treats you.
It might be that because of your circumstances, you cannot or don’t want to leave your partner. We understand. Whether you want to leave or stay, it is still important to realise that your marriage (or relationship) is abusive and that there are ways to deal with this. Leaving the relationship by separating or filing for talaaq/khula may be one solution to get out of an abusive relationship, but it is not the only one. There are many other ways but these require the acceptance and sincere involvement of your husband to be successful.
He must make the choice to change through marriage and family counselling, getting psychological help for your abuser, getting your and his family to talk to him about his behaviour, etc. If nothing else works, then stepping out (if possible) of the relationship can be the best thing to do.
Forms of Abuse
Emotional & Verbal Abuse:
The Scars of Emotional Abuse are Very Real, and they Run Deep.
Verbal abuse involves yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming (making comments about you that are unnecessary and make you feel ashamed of yourself and so hurting your self-confidence).
Emotional abuse involves isolation, intimidation, threats, religious blackmail, making you feel guilty and controlling behaviour.
Abusers emotionally and verbally abuse you to destroy your self-worth and confidence, making you feel like you have to depend on him for everything. You may feel like there is no way out and that you could do nothing without him. This is not the case. Use Chayn Pakistan to inform yourself 👩💻 and if possible, find a way out. We’re here for you!
Emotional and verbal abuse has one big effect: it makes you feel continuously uncomfortable and insecure.
“Shayad ye sab mera hi qasoor hay? Mujhay aur compromise kerna chahiye”
“Mujhay aur koi nahi milayga. Bus yehi meri qismat mein likha tha.”
Jab apkay zehn mein aisi batein ayein tou apna ap ko chuti kaatein! Aisa bilkul nahi hay.
Believing you have less self-worth, and feeling stressed and anxious makes it easier to control you. Whatever you are being told about yourself or others that upsets you, these are not grounded in truth or reason, but they are used as a strategy to control you.
They are not reflections of you or the real world but just a reflection of what your abuser would like to be real. It is NOT you who is wrong or bad!🙅♀️
Sexual Abuse: Your Husband Does Not Have the Right to Have Sex With You When You Don’t Want to
Sexual abuse involves: unwanted kissing, touching, rough or violent sexual activity, rape or attempted rape, using sexual insults, pinching nipples, refusing to use condoms or restricting access to birth control.
It is not your duty as a wife to have sex with your husband or allow your husband to have sex with you when you don’t want to. Any situation that makes you uncomfortable or sexually degraded is a form of sexual abuse. You have every right to say no at any point of the intercourse and in a healthy relationship, your partner would stop because they would not want to make you feel uncomfortable. Research has shown that women who experience physical and sexual abuse by their husbands are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or even killed.
Click here to read more about sexual health and contraception.
Physical Abuse: It is Not Your Fault
Physical abuse involves: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning and strangling.
Physical abuse is probably the most well known form of domestic abuse. Every aggressive and physical act upon your body counts as physical violence and is painful – both physically and emotionally. It can also seriously harm your health and is generally a huge warning sign as your life itself can be endangered.
Financial abuse: Controlling how you get and use money
It is often the most overlooked form of abuse, yet it can make you feel helpless and isolated.
- Keeping a tight control over your bank accounts or pocket money
- Withholding money or bank cards
- Making you beg/ask for money
- Making you account for every penny you spend
- Forcing you to close your bank account or shifting to a joint bank account
- Limiting your access to basic things like (food, clothes, medications, and shelter).
- Asking you to stop working or harassing you at work so you lose the job (making you take days off, calling you constantly, making you cry)
- Stealing your money.
- Being humiliated by your husband because he keeps telling you he brings home most of the money.
No excuses!
People might want to try and excuse your partner’s or in-laws behaviour. You may have been told by your partner, his family, friends or in-laws how your husband’s behaviour is a spur of the moment (‘I can’t control it!’; ‘bus tumhein tou pata hay usay ghussa bohat ata hay!’). This is far from the truth.
If you think about the various kinds of situations you find yourself in, you may find instances of where your husband changes his behaviour to suit himself:
– not hitting you where people can see it
– behaving politely in front of your family so they don’t believe what you say
Every person has to assume responsibility for their actions. Your family members or loved ones are no exception to this and by not taking responsibilities for the pain they cause you, they also show that they don’t respect you.
Your partner or in-laws might even try to justify the abuse with your and their mazhab and culture (‘shohar majazi khuda hota hay’). This is deeply wrong and aims to (ab)use faith and your devoutness as a means to get rid of the responsibility of hurting you. It is cowardly.
Deen mein jabar nahi. Jab deen mein jabar nahin tou shaadi mein kesay? Every religion followed in Pakistan is against physical violence. We’ve written about it.
Nobody has the right to hurt you. You are not your husband’s property and he DOES NOT own you. You do not deserve to be hurt. Abusers want total control over you. You don’t have to give them control over you, and there are ways to break free and to regain power over yourself.
Please seek medical help if you are hurt. Click here to read more about it. 👩⚕️👩⚕️👩⚕️
Domestic abuse qanooni jurm hay
Domestic abuse/violence is a recognised crime in Pakistan. However, the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied in Pakistani culture because it is socially acceptable in Pakistani society. But whether or not a part of Pakistani society believes that domestic abuse should not be a public issue, there are laws to protect you from domestic abuse, it is still a crime and as such it should be criticized.
Identifying abuse is the first step to getting help for yourself or someone you know. Even if at times it seems like no one can help you, there is some help available. Let us help you. You are not alone.
Use Chayn Pakistan to learn more about your options available and what you can do to prepare for a lawsuit (Urdu, Farsi) to leave your current situation.👮♀️
Kya ap apni saheli ya behan k liye is page pe hain? If you are on this page because you want to help someone experiencing domestic abuse, you can use our Good Friend Guide to help her.