A totally officially researched and everything looked into why, just why on earth we’re subjected to it
We know that street harassment is dangerous. It’s frightening for a young woman, alone, to be approached, followed and often shouted at by a strange man. Most of the time street harassment ends there, but we can never forget that for some women it continuous to become something more harrowing. The fear environment created through street harassment is enough to warrant the complete and utter end of it.
But for most of us, it’s just a constant reminder that we are objects for men (at the very least in this case, these particular street harassers) to gawp at, to pass judgment on, and to own. And from the constant badgering that I received from my own experiences with street harassment I noticed something interesting: that every Pakistani man has been looking at the same flirting-how-to-guide for the last 50 years.
I decided to consolidate the particular flirting styles that seem so unique to us and our culture and “analyse” them. Here are the Top 5:
(1) The Serenade
Music is such sweet joy, and every girl loves hearing a gorgeous pre-historic ballad sung horribly out of tune with such commendable enthusiasm.
I’ve now realised why Pakistani men feel the need to screech sing when they see yet another shy, beautiful raven-haired girl of their dream walk by while they loiter – it’s to demonstrate that their singing abilities will make them fine marriage partners. Their phenomenal vocal cords help make it easier for you to overlook the part-time mobile phone shop job and look at the bang-on-trend vintage maroon corduroy jacket from 1984 for what it really is.
Singing is a Pakistani Man’s expression of poetry, of love, of his desire. He wants to show you that you are so beautiful, and as the only that matters and the only thing that he has taken note of, that your beauty has made him stumble over as a fool in public. He is singing and he doesn’t care. You have to love him now, and make the parathas that his mum used to make for lunch.
(2) The First Meet Marriage Proposal
The gentleman who employs this particular style is the most manliest and thus most desirable, because he has the balls to actually say some words to you that don’t involve any kind of falsetto. Most of the time they will be vulgar and make you incredibly uncomfortable as you walk away. But then he says the four magic words that will let you know that his true intentions aren’t those horrible things he was shouting at the back of your head as you walked right on by him:
“Sister, you married yeah?”
Oh he wants to know I’m married. I wonder why.
“You got husband?”
Oh no kind sir, I do not. Shame on me, no one will love me. I am an old spinster.
“I will marry you sister!”
Oh thank you, thank you! You saved me from the shame of being an unwed 19 year old. Thank you! Do you want your parathas now or in the morning?
(3) The Death Stare
This is Stealth Flirting basics. The wonderful man who employs this tactic knows that you have physical boundaries that he cannot cross in this public space without your permission. He lets you know of his poetic longing by longingly looking at you full of all the unblinking, terrifying love that he has for your boobs you from the moment you walked by him.
This man is demonstrating his spirituality to you, he’s waiting for you behind your car in a plane of beautiful spiritual existence that only the two of you share when your eyes lock. He knows the value of the deep oceanic world full of love for you and your beauty, hidden away behind his eyes and he wants you to see it, to understand it, to swim in it with him.
Recent official scientific studies have shown that the eyes are the gateway to the soul, and he’s baring you his. Aren’t you a lucky girl?
(4) The Follower
This is the most dedicated flirt. He will follow you to the ends of the earth, literally, whether you want him to or not. He’s so dedicated and passionate about you that even when you cross the road, duck into random shops or board that bus that takes you to the opposite side of town, he will still be there. Even when you call the police, get a restraining order, block his heavy breathing phone calls, he will be there.
He is demonstrating that he will be there for you. That you are so beautiful that he needs to be around you all the time. That he is patient and psychotic persistant. He is waiting until you are ready to love him. And he knows he can only do that if he’s always there where you are. Eventually you will give up this game of hard-to-get, because really women don’t have the right to say no.
(5) Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me
This is Advanced Stealth Flirting, this man is a genius. He is the man who will sit next to you and subtly spread his legs as men do when they sit to let you know about his overpowering masculinity, the size of his genitals and most importantly, to seductively rub his bony knee against your soft, womanly one.
When your knees will touch, there will be an electrifying shock between you two, and he will feel it and you will not feel it. The physical nature of this interaction will make you desire him, and you for once will see how desirable he is. You have of course, never been touched by a man before in your pure, white, infantilised virginal state, and this touch has awaked you.
You cannot live without him now that he has touched you with his unwashed, chilli sauce stained fake Armani jeans. You can run but you can’t ever forget the feeling of pure sexual energy pulsating in your knee.
About the Blogger
Maryam Amjad is a feminist barrister in the making who has a keen interest in social entrepreneurship, innovation through technology and social justice. She can be tweeted on @AmIALawyerNow
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